And Now for Something Different
Because we all need some comic releif
As readers of my Substack efforts are aware, I have in the past yearned to stretch my wings by writing about things other than art. Thus was born “Rotten Romance” about my miserable post-divorce dating life and “Eat My Memoir” about food and family (the former was removed from the annals when I put together a book proposal; the latter can still be found here.)
And so from time to time, the comic urge strikes me. Because I am often up at two or three a.m. scrolling my Google feed (Lord knows why—I should probably be reading Tolstoy instead), I encounter all these snippets about crap that doesn’t particularly interest me, but I often click anyway. I’ve been fascinated by the rise and rise of Meghan Markle, because she seems to have no real talents other than as a third-rate actress and a thorn in the side to the royal family, who were mean to her! Boo hoo. I haven’t checked in to her lifestyle show on Netflix, where she hawks stuff like jam and honey from her boutique line of foody froufrou, but I did come up with some much more interesting ideas for reality series. And so here they are for your consideration.
p.s. I submitted this to The New Yorker, “McSweeney’s Internet Tendency,” and a feminist humor site called “Belladonna.” They all turned me down. Double boo hoo!
At last Melania! The First Lady shares tips on navigating her many residences, from the White House to Trump Tower to Mar-a-Lago. Cooking for Donald, and why she won’t do it (insights into his favorite foods, and what those long ties are really used for! POTUS never needs a napkin!) Every day should be a spa day! Makeup tips to fake a tan better than your hubby’s. How to respond when your spouse is bonking a porn star….and you’ve got a newborn to care for! How to wow in an 11,000-dollar-leopard-skin coat at a border camp! How to behave at state functions when you absolutely can’t get out of them because it’s in your contract to show up. Camping with the family? Are you fucking kidding me?? And Melania’s new line of beauty products: “As If.”
Ina Garten’s Incredible Hamptons Hideaway. Alec and Hilaria Baldwin and their gang drop by, and Ina cooks a feast fit for a murderer! Larry Gagosian demonstrates how to decorate with million-dollar paintings. Ina makes seafood chowder sourced from her home lobster tank and shows how you can install one too in just a few easy steps. When guests overstay their welcome: surefire skimpy inedible breakfast menus to get them on the road pronto!
Angelina Jolie’s Boho NoHo Life. The insider’s guide to decorating with swatches of hair (and how to coax guests to give up some of their own!) The environmentally correct pop-up fashion show. Using Crayolas and butcher’s paper to set the table and the mood. How to get the vibe of a film set even when you’ve never visited one. The “archaeological dinner” and tips for cooking with clay. How to turn your basement into a suitable space for an artist’s residency.
The Real Housewives of Nuuk Get a firsthand look at the country Trump is trying to buy through the eyes of its hardworking but glamorous stay-at-home moms! Inside those colorful seaside houses, you can, by law, entertain prisoners until 9.30 p.m. because that’s when they have to go back to jail. We show you the best dishes to serve convicts, and our secret recipe for Greenlandic coffee: a heady concoction of hot coffee, whiskey, Kahlúa, Grand Marnier, rock salt, and whipped cream—set ablaze as it’s brought to your table! What Greenlanders serve instead of Danish for breakfast. Raising your own sled dogs and racing without fear. Learn how to pronounce Aqqusinersuaq, Kleinschmidtvej, and Vandsøvej, and rock foxy lingerie for temps below freezing six months a year!
A Musk Family Christmas (five-hour special). All four of Elon’s wives and baby mamas show up at Elon’s Bel Air mansion with 13 children and a trailer full of Baby Wipes and Pampers. A Tesla under the tree for everyone! Trans daughter Vivian sings an unforgettable solo rendition of “The Little Drummer Girl.” X Æ A-Xii is adorable warbling "Бог ся рождає" (God Is Born), a traditional Ukrainian carol. Elon plays Santa in a MAGA cap, and, in a yuletide gesture of reconciliation, Uncle Donald shows up as all Three Kings rolled into one because of new DEI restrictions and government cutbacks. JD Vance, another of Elon’s former BFFs, got lost rerouting the reindeer over Greenland, but he will be on hand for a Signal chat to discuss plans for a complete takeover of the North Pole (as a cost-cutting measure, most of the elves will be fired).
Stay tuned for scheduling details on all these shows!
Very funny! We need humor more than ever these days!
Hilarious! Thanks for making me laugh! xo